Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Monday Night Money Grab

Today, I have a question for you all:

Who wants all my money?

Oh really? You do? Cool. Then you should come to Team Tenderloin's new weekly Poker Night, at the all new relocated and revamped Hall of the Loin!

Were servin' up cold beers and dollar bills every Monday night on Polk and Pine. Yay! For you newcomers to taking all my money, here's a short tutorial on how to play Texas Hold 'em.

1. Each player is dealt two cards face down. These are called your hole or pocket cards.

2. Then there is a round of betting starting with the guy to the left of the two who posted the blinds. This round is usually referred to by the term pre-flop.

3. After the betting round ends, the dealer discards the top card of the deck. This is called a burn card. This is done to prevent cheating.

4. The dealer then flips the next three cards face up on the table. These cards are called the flop. These are communal cards that anyone can use in combination with their two pocket cards to form a poker hand.

5. There is another round of betting starting with the player to the left of the dealer.

6. After the betting concludes, the dealer burns another card and flips one more onto the table. This is called the turn card. Players can use this sixth card now to form a five card poker hand.

7. The player to the left of the dealer begins another round of betting. In many types of games, this is where the bet size doubles.

8. Finally, the dealer burns a card and places a final card face up on the table. This is called the river. Players can now use any of the five cards on the table or the two cards in their pocket to form a five card poker hand.

9. There is one final round of betting starting with the player to the left of the dealer.

10. After that, all of the players remaining in the game begin to reveal their hands. This begins with the player to the left of the last player to call. It's called the showdown.

11. The player who shows the best hand wins! This is your opportunity to take my frikken money!

See you all on Monday.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Where have all the trannies gone?

Consider this an APB of sorts. Yolanda, everyones favorite TL streetwalker, has gone missing as of late. For the last few months, she brightened the Polk-Post corner every afternoon with a dazzling smile and the weave to match. Our friendship began when she stopped me on my way to work requesting a light for her pink Fantasia.

Yes, my friends, it was love at first sight. The dull intersections of Bush, Sutter, etc. seemed a little less drab knowing that I would be greeted with an enthusiastic "Hi, sugar, how you doing?" once I reached Post. More than once, she has welcomed me with a mouthful of hard-boiled egg. Yolanda was quite a charmer.

So, you can imagine my dismay at the void left on Post street. My direct suspicion is that she was run out of town by those ratty, jealous julies at Divas who just couldn't step it up. Please, please get back to me if anyone has any information. Yo is about 6'6 in her heels, chocolate brown with long blonde hair. She was last seen wearing faux fur, a denim miniskirt, and a skin infection. You can probably guess about the nails. I just need to know she's okay. I'm starting to feel really scared and alone.


Friday, November 18, 2005

Harry Potter and the Half-Drunk Gang

Team Tenderloin has seen the light.

Well, maybe not, but we did go see The brand-spankin-rape-me-with-a-wand-new Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. It pretty much ruled.

After much discussion, Boy Wonder, Counts and I decided that these were the best parts of the movie.

5. When Hermione shows up at the ball in a pink gown and a push-up bra. Seriously. That girl is J. K. Rowlings answer to Britney Spears.

4. When we finally found our seats and someone behind us had snuck in some Sparks. I was all: "Where is my Sparks! I didn't bring anything 'cause I thought there'd be fucking kids here!"

3. When Harry drools on himself when he's trying to check out Cho Chang. Oh well; at least he gets to make out with her in the next one.

2. When Meir Hurwitz turned to me and said (in a thick Brooklyn accent): "Hey, Mirandy, I don't get it. How did that kid do that?" to which I replied, "Meir, it's fucking Magic."

Oh, wait. That didn't happen. Furthermore, it's only funny to those of you who know Meir. Sorry. Anyway...

2. When Boy Wonder actually wanted to leave the house.

1. The gratuitous nakedness of Harry's svelt and boyish torso when bathing in the 5th floor Prefects bathroom. And to those of you who are already asking: Yes. I would totally do Harry Potter. Especially if he brought the wand.

Harry however is far from a first choice. In order of do-ability:
3. Fred or George Weasley. Or both. Whatever.
2. Angelina, Gryffindor keeper (?).
1. Neville Longbottom. Mmmm. I like 'em dorky.

Monday, November 14, 2005

The Mmm has six M's and the Beer has five E's.

O.K. so we finally figured it out, and without any further a do we unveil the four tenderloin food groups:

burrito, asian, burger, drunkenness

The reason behind this? Well, if you ever find yourself in the Tenderloin after ten and don't want to eat pizza, this is really all you can get. Especially the drunkenness.

Also there have been many sick parties that we have been too drunk to post about.